You’ll learn something about men and women — the way they’re supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other. That’s what we call love. You’ll like that a lot.

– Kirk, “The Apple”, stardate 3715.6

Archive for September, 2006

One Swedish-made penis enlarger

Friday, September 1st, 2006

Quartermaster Clerk: “One Swedish-made penis enlarger.”
Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] “That’s not mine.”
Quartermaster Clerk: “One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.”
Austin Powers: “I’m telling ya baby, that’s not mine.”
Quartermaster Clerk: “One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.”
Austin Powers: “I don’t even know what this is! This sort of thing ain’t my bag, baby.”
Quartermaster Clerk: “One book, ‘Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby’, by Austin Powers.”

You have to admit that was one hilarious movie. Something similar played out at a U.S. airport recently. Mardin Amin, an Iraqi going through airport security was stopped by a female security guard. Holding up his penis pump, she asked him what it was. While standing next to his mum, he mumbled in his thick Iraqi accent, “pump”. Apparently the security guard thought he said “bomb”.

Judge Gerald Winiecki has decided there was sufficient evidence for the case to proceed after the female security guard testified that she heard Amin “clearly” say the word bomb.

Amin, 29, of Skokie, is charged with felony disorderly conduct and faces up to three years in prison if convicted. He was released on $75,000 bond and is due back in court Sept. 13. Eileen O’Neill-Burke, his defense attorney, said he will plead not guilty then.

Articles:

Update: All charges against Amin were dropped on Sept. 13, following the lead of the Transportation Safety Administration, which recently concluded that the matter did not warrant prosecution.

Article:

Bizarre: Amin said, “It’s normal. Half of America they use it.” I’m not sure if that’s true, but who would have thought that a judge from Oklahama would use it while presiding over trials?!

While court was in session, Donald Thompson would be pumping away on his penis pump! Although Thompson denied having ever masturbated while on the bench, police have found evidence of semen on his chair and robes.

On June 29, 2006 he was convicted of four counts of felony indecent exposure and sentenced to 4 years in prison and $40,000 per count in fines.

Quartermaster Clerk: “One Swedish-made penis enlarger.”
Donald Thompson: “That’s not mine.”
…

Articles:

Posted in News | No Comments »

Crikey!

Monday, September 4th, 2006

Steve Irwin, the wildlife expert has died in a diving accident in far North Queensland. He was 44.

Irwin was snorkelling in shallow water near the Low Isles, when stung by a stingray through the chest.

Medical experts say that while stingray stings are rarely lethal, being stung in the heart was extraordinary.

He was filming a documentary when the accident occurred around 11am.

A helicopter with paramedics arrived on the scene, but it was too late.

In 2003, he spoke to the ABC’s Australian Story about his affinity with wildlife.

“I think I’ve actually got animals so genetically inside me that there’s no way I could actually be anything else.

“I think my path would have always gone back to or delivered me to wildlife. I think wildlife is just like a magnet, and it’s something that I can’t help.”

Irwin is survived by his wife, Terri and two children.

Articles:

Posted in News | No Comments »

Three Wooden Legged Pig

Thursday, September 7th, 2006

A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three wooden legs executing a magnificent series of back flips and cartwheels.

Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer sitting in the yard watching the pig.

“That’s quite a pig you have there, sir” said the salesman.

“Sure is, son,” the farmer replied. ”Why, two years ago, my daughter was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that pig swam out and dragged her back to shore.”

“Amazing!” the salesman exclaimed.

“And that’s not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin’ wood up on the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. Saved my life.”

“Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has three wooden legs?”

The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. ”Mister, when you got an amazin’ pig like that, you don’t eat him all at once.”

Posted in Humour | 2 Comments »